STAR SIGNS ... with Horace Cope

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
You ponder the ultimate philosophical question – should Melbourne Storm get their two premierships back if all other NRL clubs are found to have also rorted the salary cap rules.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
You suspect they’re starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel when you get a scam email from a Nigerian barista.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
You can’t believe your eyes and ears when a current affairs TV host announces an upcoming segment on a miracle cure for arthritis. Why would such a thing be needed, seeing that program – and similar shows on other networks – have run similar stories in 1992, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1998, 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008 and twice last year?

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
Ditto for weight-loss schemes, come to think of it.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
And anti-hair loss schemes. And ... oh, okay, you get the picture.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
You wonder if Tony Abbott's mind is on the job when he starts using an exercise bike during Question Time.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
You think Joe Hockey might be shaping up for a leadership challenge when he starts wearing Speedos in public.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
Hearing that British Prime Minister Gordon Brown might hang on to power even if his party comes third in the first-past-the-post vote in early May, you suspect the mother country uses the hare-brain electoral system.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
Your Anzac Day celebrations were going peachy until some eagle-eyed real Diggers at your local pub realised all those medals across your chest were 1960s Ekka mirror-maze prize medallions.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
You realise poor old Oz is going down the gurgler after hearing a Channel 10 news report that the “nation’s elite” had attended the Sydney funeral of Lady McMahon, and then naming the standouts among those elite mourners as John Laws, Malcolm and Lucy Turbull and Eileen Bond.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
You could not have agreed more when Peter Ftizsimons said on a Sixty Minutes segment about the Australian flag on Sunday night that it was an absolute disgrace and it had to go – but enough about his bandanna.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
As an advocate of quality and original TV you place full-page newspaper ads to let people know Channel 9's Hey Hey It's Saturday screens on Wednesdays, just in case people try to avoid watching it on the wrong night.