Weighed down by a sense of their own importance

OVERSEAS Travails

First published in The Independent 30 April 2008

Damn, Americans are huge! Not all of them mind, just a sizeable proportion. But I don’t think you can blame them entirely. The human arsehole simply was never designed to handle the amount of food they shovel down their guts.

True. Order a hamburger over here and what you get is basically a whole cow stuck between two buns, with a side salad and a pile of chips more or less equal to the seasonal potato crop output of the Lockyer Valley.
They don’t eat it all, of course. Just enough to make them very fat. Doubt that? One of my first meals over here was a snack (ha!) in one of those trendy seaside bars in Waikiki in Hawaii. Duke’s I think it was but it could easily have been Stinger Ray’s or Coconut Bobs or some other silly name – they all blur into a certain sameness – when I couldn't help but notice the couple not far from me.
Well, I noticed the bloke first, but only after he finally came into sight after making substantial inroads into a plate of nachos that was about a fifth the size of nearby Diamond Head.
He was big enough, but it wasn’t until the meal dwindled even further that I noticed he had a wife helping him in this mighty endeavour.
Well I think it was his wife. She was actually sitting a few tables away from him. I don’t think they were fighting or anything like that: she simply could not get any closer.
Boy, was she fat! She had more folds to her than a international Texas Hold ‘Em competition.
But you had to admire their tenacity in tackling their tucker. It was about this stage that the husband caught me staring at them. Now I could have been rude and said something like “Gosh, you two are huge!” but my mother always said to me if you can’t say something nice about people then it’s best to say nothing at all.
But I do think I recovered fairly quickly because I blurted out: “Great T-shirt!”
It said something like Beaver Springs or some such thing and he proudly declared that it was from his home state of Minnesota.
I didn’t tell him that when i said it was a great T-shirt, I meant that if you bleached it white, it would make a great movie screen.
Okay, enough already! I can already see the pages of next issue’s Indie filled with hate mail just because I’m taking the mickey out of people with a bit of lard on their ample frames.
And I accept that I’m no shrinking violet myself, after too many Fat Boys $4 brekkies over recent years. In fact it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to see my toes from the erect position. Come to think of it, it’s been quite a while since I’ve been able to even see that in the erect position.
But I think you’re getting my drift. If I stay in this country too long, I’m going to have to return home vie freight plane.
But I think a solution is at hand, and I’ve got recent events in Canberra to thank for it.
In the short time I’m over here, I’m going to try to set up a 20stone-20stone summit, where American couples can come along and chew the fat – let me rephrase that – work out solutions to their problems.
It’s going to be hard but .... wait a minute .. here’s the first good idea that should come out of the summit: why doesn’t the American hospitality industry offers up fare only HALF the size of what they do now?
The Yanks only eat half of what’s on their plate anyway. This one brave move would mean that the nation’s beef cattle numbers could be halved overnight. There’s a win-win situation for all: healthier Americans and millions less cattle farting up the ozone layer.
And seeing the servings are only half-size, maybe the cost of the meal could be halved too. That’s a win-win-win situation. I think this 20stone-20stone summit would be a great idea – but sadly I think it’s got less than a fat chance of ever taking place.
But while we’re on culinary matters, I hear that my fellow columnist Gary Balkin in this issue is in search of the best coffee on offer in inner-Brisbane. That’s fine, but I’ve got a tip for whoever makes the worse coffee around. Bring your brew over here and enter every national competition you can.
You’ll dead set clean up, because the coffee over here is absolute crap.

Welcome to sicksville, USA

OVERSEAS Travails

First pubished in The Independent 28 May 2008

Man, oh man are Americans sick. They must be the sickest people on earth, and I wonder if it all stems from the fact that they are so, so fat! Did I mention how fat they were in a previous column?
One TV ad weighs in with the grim statistic nightly: yes, some 130 million Americans are obese. They’re the lucky ones. There’s another 50 million who are chronically obese, about that same number again who are morbidly obese, and a further 23 million who are awaiting burial once they build coffins large enough to accommodate them.
Doubt any of this? Probably the very first ad I saw on TV over here was for this great people mover that average incapacitated Americans can ride on so that they don’t get left out when their kinfolk are out and about ... on their way to a diner, restaurant or fast-food outlet, that sort of thing. This ad went on for minutes - from memory it was touting the deluxe 10-geared LardLoader Mark V, that can zoom around lunar-style landscapes with amazing ease.
As with all TV ads, the actor-riders of these LardLoaders don’t seem at all that old or all that incapacitated but we can read between the lines and know they’re for average Americans who have unfortunately become incapacitated to some extent: like when their knee caps and joints first popped out or fused together when they hit 300lb, somewhere in their early 30s.
Anyway, these LardLoaders are very reasonably priced and you can write away for a free video or CD at no cost or obligation whosoever. I’m told most Americans end up buying two: one for each cheek.
Cheap shot, and I’m sorry. But back to the TV ads. Every commercial break here had about 10 ads, and just like in Australia, you can watch a whole night’s TV and not be told about one single product you could not live without – unless of course you’re sick of, or from, being fat.
These ads all burr into one another: there’s the latest treatments for heart disease, stroke, diabetes A to Zee, organ failure, arthritis, mad cowboys’ disease, etc, etc
These are all very funny advertisements and beat the heck out of Two and a Half Men reruns. Why funny? Because, you see, after touting what new RectalEX can do for your clapped-out sphincter, these ads then have to spend about the same amount of time telling you what the possible side effects are in such a litigious society. After taking new Asthmatrall, please consult your physician if permanent non-breathing persists!
Think I’m making these up? There is this new asthma treatment that’s a real winner, but shouldn’t be used if you’re already on an asthma treatment. Well, gosh, what asthmatic’s got time to be trying sprays and pills when you’re out an about training for marathons. Anyway, one of the side effects of this new treatment is sudden death from asthma. Well of course it would be! Hellooooo! There’s some other treatment that you shouldn’t take if you’re in the advanced, final stages of AIDs. Would you want to?
There’s other treatments that can leave you dizzy, with high blood pressure, that can lead to dysentry, diarrohea and death, although not necessarily in that order, others than turn you into a serial killer or have you driving around the neighbourhood late at night nude and fully asleep at the wheel, singing a medley of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s show tunes. See your doctor if “Oklahoma!” persists.
Then there’s the ad for the bloke who’s not quite ready for a LardLoader Mark V. He wants to go riding with his family as they make their way to a diner, restaurant or fast-food outlet, that sort of thing, but as soon as he sits on his bike seat: Whammo! Oucharonnie!
Well, we don’t need to be told he’s blown a gasket in his muckhole manifold after it’s tried to pass a mountain of meatloaf over the years. But help is at hand, and luckily it’s his hand and not ours..
Before he sets out, he applies Medication H preparation wipes. And who wouldn’t!
Trust me on this one: we might be a little behind in Australia, but I think these things are really going to catch on. I’m predicting Medication H preparation wipes are going to be the next real big thing Down Under, if you get my drift.
But you know what I think the funniest thing is? Those morons who brought down the twin towers thinking they could end American society were way, way off course.
All they needed to do was to join forces with our very own evil genius Peter Foster, and contaminate this great country’s water supplies with Pete’s sure-fire, can’t-miss super TRIMIt diet pills. Before you know it, Americans would be slim and happy but their whole reason d’etre would disappear.
The nation’s commercial broadcast services would close first because there would be no ads to run, and how could this nation function if it couldn’t get a balanced view of local and world politics via Fox news? Then the whole national economy, which seems to be based almost solely on keeping sick, fat Americans alive, would crumble and decay.
Mission accomplished with not one angry shot being fired; not one innocent person hurt.

Sick humour from way down under

OVERSEAS Travails

First published in The Independent 25 June 2008

In recent columns, I’ve been a little unfair to Americans, I’ve come to realise. So this issue I’d like to spend some time reflecting on a far more noxious and disturbing race of people – travelling Australians.

The last week or so I’ve had the misfortune of being forced to travel around northern Italy with a tour group called Intrepid. Nothing wrong about Intrepid – a fine outfit – except that the largest single species within this group is made up of Australians. Or should that be sub-species?
These people seem incapable of sitting down and enjoying a glass or 12 of very average local wine or a volley of grappas without becoming very, very noisy ... and very, very crude.
For the first time in my life, I’ve realised that the reason we’re known as coming from down under is that we seem incapable of having a conversation about anything without it all becoming mired in references to things down under – namely bottoms, poos, farts, dicks, c... well, you’ve got the general picture.
We’re not so much an out-going people as an outhouse-going people.
Sex rears its ugly head before the first courses are even ordered. Then bodily functions get a solid workover and before too long, one of our tour group, Janet from Victoria, has tears and other liquids running down from various cheeks.
In fact someone just has to shout “Bum, poo, dick” after a half-litre of plonk and peels of laughter shatter the group and start dispersing those unfortunate enough to have sat too closely to us while they try to enjoy their incredibly overpriced and overrated pasta.
Probably the worst example of this appalling and infantile behaviour was the other evening in Florence, where our tour guide traipsed us up to this lovely old park, the Piazza Michelangelo, to watch the sun set over the city of Florence for the first time that day. Nice place, too, but there’s still a lot of old buildings standing here and an Italian Bjelke-Petersen would have done this mediaeval city the world of good.
Anyway, wouldn’t you like to see the conversation going something like this: “I just could not believe the array of works at the Uffizi museum devoted to Rin Tin Tinto’s iconic period, could you?’’
Or: “I can’t believe we’re travelling tomorrow to Lucca, the birthplace of Puccini. I truly believe his variations for oboe in his seminal work, Madama Butterfly, have never been surpassed!”
Well, my Intrepid group at least tried, starting the conversation with a discourse on the artistic merits of the fake statue of David in the city’s Piazza Signore.
Almost all the Aussie sheilas in the group – and maybe that was this tour’s main problem because they were all female except yours unruly and our intrepid leader – is that this cultural discourse soon degenerated into ribald discussions over his apparent lack of manhood and how his pathetic pecker seemed to be made even worse by Michelangelo’s weird decision to give the poor chap a right hand much larger in proportion to the rest of his body.
While it did this particular Australian good to know that Aussie sheilas obviously expect much, much more in the bedflute department, and have the highest possible expectations of what they’ve come to grow and love in that area, most of the discussion that followed could best be summed up by paraphrasing dialogue from the famous Oz film, Crocodile Dundee.
“Mick, he’s got a dick!”
“That’s not a dick.”
Zippppp. Flop.....
“That’s a dick!”
There were the usual under-graduate offerings of what a real dick should look like, and the general observation that if Michelangelo in his desire to create “the perfect man” had been Australian, and his model has been, too, and the whole thing had been carved in the middle of summer, maybe down by the beach at Bondi, then David’s marblelated manhood would have stretched to at least to the bottom of the statute and maybe even run a foot or two down towards the high-water mark!
More shrieks of laughter. More startled young Italian lovers edging further away from our group.
In fact they were unusually coarse and ribald this night, so I deliberately took one of the pictures shown abov from behind the group so these gutter-mouthed and rather childish individuals can’t be identified. That’s them in the other photo.
To be fair, at times the group tried hard. The night before, after we’d cleared a cafe with our scatological gun approach to things, one of our group tried to lift the tone by starting a conversation about brushes with fame ... you know, famous people we’ve met, or passed in an airport corridor?
Okay, sure ... hardly highbrow stuff but at least above the navel for a change.
This pretty young theatre nurse from Sydney jumped straight in: “I saw Mark Phillipoussis’s penis once.”
Cries of encouragement from her XX-gen peers of her intimate knowledge of that great Greek tragedy of Australian sport.
“By mistake,” she added quickly, although why she had gotten the Poo to lift his surgery smock all the way over his head in readiness for a simple shoulder operation remains pretty much a mystery, but that’s by the by.
What followed, naturally enough, were many requests from her female companions as to whether the Poo’s penis matched his tennis-playing abilities or had in fact presented itself as something quite reasonable under all the circumstances.
“Bum, poo, dick!” shouted someone else, and our table once again began rocking with cheerful mirth.
It all became a little too much for me, I must admit, and I began to share the gustain, a heady mixture of disgust and distain, that showed frequently on the faces of our north American travelling companions.
But as you would all know, the pressure to conform can be a powerful thing, and from time to time I was reluctantly forced to join in with the childish antics of my fellow countrymen and women – if for no other reason than to avoid being ostracised from my peers.
“Bum, poo, dick!”

Hello from the Deep Mouth!

OVERSEAS Travails



First published in The Independent 11 June 2008

Goddamn it! Have I mentioned just how noisy Americans are? How noisy, sick and fat they are?

Maybe I mentioned in earlier columns how fat and sick they are but I don’t think I’ve mentioned – and correct me if I’m wrong here – just how noisy they are?
Let me clarify that: how noisy their womenfolk are. Sit within hearing distance of Americans - and generally one of the neighbouring 49 states is close enough - and it’s the women who do all the talking, if that’s the right word? Let’s try this: it’s the women to do all the chalk-scraping-on-a-boarding? Who do all the jet-engine-at-full-powering? It’s the women who make your teeth stand on end and your hair grate uncontrollably.
As a general rule, when American women talk they make a car-wrecking yard sound like the after-lunch sleep time at your local creche.
Doubt this: just the other day, I was on an Alaskan cruise shop that moseyed into this place called Glacier Bay. The ship stopped just off this amazing glacier and we watched in awe as it “calved” before our very eyes. Large chunks of blue ice, formed probably when our ancestors were just primordial slime, breaking free with a loud crack and then splashing into the freezing water below with a thunderous roar.
And you know what happened. While we were enjoying this amazing sight of nature’s power and beauty, these two American women who had been chatting at the ship’s starboard rail with us went back inside. And at that very moment, the glacier stopped calving!
True story. Okay maybe I made that up. But I am told that American homes, and especially their kitchens, have triple glazing just to be on the safe side. Now that’s is true. Almost. Sort of.
But back to American women doing all the talking. Maybe early in their marriages, American men speak. But clearly in their later years they have learnt their place. They know to remain mute while Mavis tells everyone around her – the ship’s other dining room passengers, the people below decks, the orca pod just visible on the horizon – how things have been since Norm retired all those years ago. How long ago is that now? My goodness me, I’d hate to think.
Since being abroad, I’ve developed this theory that if we could go forward 10,000 years, not that any of us would probably want to, we’d find that the American male will no longer exist.
And not just because the Y chromosome is in general decline anyway. No, my theory is that nature takes away what we don’t use regularly. And I reckon that if we could look at the American male of 10,2008AD, he’ll have no mouth.
And all because mother nature in her cruel yet understandable wisdom would decide that because the American male mouth was only being used three times a day and seeing there was another orifice to breath in and out of to survive, then she just phased it out.
It wouldn’t happen overnight, obviously, and the US male 8000 years from now will still have a small pinprick of a mouth, where liquified meatloaf will be able to be forced through a straw. But come 10,000 years hence, only males who can afford expensive, medically fitted feeding tubes that will take up all the available advertising space on TV will survive for a while. But infections and other problems will take them out too.
My only problem with this theory is this: will the American woman of 10,000 years from now still be talking as loudly and as long? Because most of their conversation seems to be about keeping their husbands in line and watching their manners, language, ways, dress, etc etc or what they used to do when they lived a worthwhile existence, will they stop talking as well ... and lose their mouths to mother nature’s ways.
In other words, can an American woman talking under water still be heard when her husband is six-feet under? You didn’t know this column could get so deeply philosophical, did you?
Could you even imagine a world without American women talking loudly and gratingly to and about their men. How the cruise ships and airport terminals and train club bars of this world would fall strangely silent.... except of course for the muted sounds of people from other countries talking about really interesting things.
Now some of you have probably guessed already that this column is a little over the top in its assessments of Americans.
And it is true that some American women don’t sound like a San Francisco Bay fog horn.
But you know what? It seems as if American women are programmed to output so many megadecibels of noise in their lifetimes. Which means that while there is the occasional, softer-spoken American woman, they seem to know instinctively that they’ve got to talk longer – if that’s at all possible – to get their quota spoken before they waddle off this mortal coil.
There was this beautiful young woman  – well, she clearly thought she was – who talked virtually non stop on the nine-hour train trip from Niagara Falls to Manhattan the other day. As I said, she wasn’t talking like normal American folk so that even the engineers (we call them train drivers) at the front could share her life’s experience, but it was certainly laid out for all in her carriage to enjoy.
As soon as one friend dropped off the line – either through exhaustion or her phone battery running out – this woman would speed dial someone else and continue the monologue.
She seemed to have a lot of auditions lined up over the next few days, and the uncharitable among us might suggest each audition took exactly 30 minutes and money changed hands at the end of that time.
In those rare moments between talking non-stop on her mobile, she’d bring out her compact and add another layer of makeup to her beautiful yet somehow amazingly bland face.

• The writer tavelled to Glacier Bay and other Alaskan coldspots with Holland America lines one one of their lovely ships, but seeing he paid his own way, that’s the last time they’ll be mentioned.

Where am I?"

This one might prove a little difficult. It’s a retaining wall somewhere in the city – one that we suspect might have taken a bit of a hammering during last week’s floods. Email your answer to editor@theindependent.com.au to reach us no later than 5pm on Friday week, January 28, 2011. Or drop us the answer in the post by the same deadline to PO Box 476 Valley Q 4006.
One lucky winner will be off to the Brunnie on us. Bon appetit!

Ken Wieland of Enoggera is the winner of our December 8 issue Where am I competition, after corectly guessing that the image shown was part of the famous Wickham Hotel in the heart of Fortitude Valley. Enjoy the tucker at the Brunnie, Ken.!

Our community is fighting back!

NEWS




Local community leaders have praised the unstinting endeavours of a tidal wave of volunteers who are helping residents and business owners get back on their feet after last week’s historic floods.

Across low-lying areas of the Indie’s patch – from New Farm, the Valley, Newstead, Teneriffe, Bowen Hills, Kangaroo Point and other areas – the broom shovel and mop brigade dug deep into the well of community spirit to help those affected by the floods. And at the RNA Evacuation Centre, another band of volunteers joined with the major welfare agencies and financial institutions to ensure the homeless were well fed and looked after as they were process for initial cash payments to see them through the darkest hours.
Long-serving local councillor David Hinchliffe said of the way the local community had responded to the crisis: “If there was any doubt what a closeknit, caring and resilient community we really are, those doubts would have been erased with the floodwaters of January 13. I’ve never seen the amount of devastation in the local area, but I’ve also never seen the degree of community support and generosity.
“With the exception of one of two people who griped about the power or about buses not running or their regular rubbish service not being picked up, there was overwhelming patience, understanding and support.
“I particularly want to thank the fine group of people representing the Uniting Church, the Multicultural Community Centre, the Windsor Historical Society, the New Farm Neighbourhood Centre, Holy Spirit and New Farm Schools, local real estate agents, Coles, Merthyr Village and other local businesses and individuals who joined with Grace Grace MP, Senator Claire Moore and myself in convening the New Farm and Teneriffe Disaster Relief Coordination Committee.
“We have provided information for those affected by flooding and power cuts and importantly, we thank the wonderful Neighbourhood Centre staff for acting as the local and unofficial ‘recovery centre’ for the New Farm area and providing laundry and shower facilities as well as food vouchers.
“While we encourage people to contact the relevant agencies, Centrelink, Community Services, Energex etc for specifics, any requests for general assistance or offers of support should go to the New Farm Neighbourhood Centre at 967 Brunswick Street. “Neighbours looked after neighbours. Some selflessly left their flood-affected homes to help others.
"A local laundromat turned over a number of their machines for free use to flood victims. One elderly resident of Welsby Street, devastated when her ground-floor apartment was inundated, received a $500 food voucher from an anonymous local. Others have contributed directly to the local Coordination Committee through the Neighbourhood Centre. While we encourage people to donate to the Premier’s Flood Appeal, we know there are some who want to donate locally. Donations to the Neighbourhood Centre are tax deductible.
State MP Grace Grace, who spent long hours in and around her own New Farm area and at the RNA evacuation centre, said of the community’s input: “It was overwhelming, to be honest.” She praised the work by agencies and volunteers at the showgrounds where the quality of the food, bedding and general care shown to people was “extraordinary”.








Above:  Cooking up a storm at the Merthyr Road Uniting Church last Friday were Gary Brockman and Matt Coe, while Atholl Murray and Sophie Manoharan provided the musical relief.

Bullet dodged by many

NEWS

Oh, what a difference a metre makes! While many homes and businesses in the Indie’s patch were devastated by last week’s flooding over several days, many livelihoods were spared when the river peaked about a metre below what experts had predicted.

No better examples of this were the many tenants of Merthyr Shopping Village on the corner of Merthyr Road and Brunswick Streets in New Farm. At the flood’s peak last Thursday, the centre’s underground carparks were fully flooded, with water bubbling up out of the various stairwells (above) and causing minor floor damage to some tenancies.
And while it is true that all the centre’s tenants have lost valuable trading days and losses that will take a long while to recoup, the hundreds of sandbags that protected theese shops would have been useless if the river had reached the 5.5 metre level – equal or even exceeding the 1974 flood – that hydrologists had predicted.
The community spirit was on show even at the height of the flood, with an impromptu barbecue (below) using supplies provided by Coles, Vue cafe and other businesses. Their generosity made a similar barbecue possible the next day at Merthyr Road Uniting Church.






Above: Merthyr Shopping Village was a sea of sandbags at the height of the floods, although it made New Farm Park perfect for a spot of kayaking (below).

Hinchliffe hints at ending stellar career

NEWS

Long-term city councillor David Hinchliffe has dropped his strongest hint to date that he is about to pull the pin on almost a quarter-century or service to his community.

“I am actively considering retiring at the next election,” Councillor Hinchliffe told The Independent. “ A quarter of a century is a long time to spend in a high-pressure job, but I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. “I’m not tired of the job, but I have to admit to being fed up with a lot of the petty politics that goes on.”
Cr Hinchliffe represented Spring Hill Ward from 1988 to 1994 when it changed to Central Ward and its boundaries were redistributed to include New Farm, Newstead, South Bank, Paddington and Red Hill and parts of Bardon and Milton.
Cr Hinchliffe, who turns 56 in April, scoffed at mainstream newspaper reports that he had annointed a successor should he call it a day, and that he was promoting this person on his website. “I’ve got lots of people on my website, including even a photo of the LNP candidate.
“If I make the decision to retire from politics, I want to let the residents of the area know first and if I do decide to retire, I won’t personally be picking a ‘successor’. “There are quite a few good people who could fill my shoes should I slip them off.”
He also denied a suggestion that a very narrow win over the LNP’s Vicki Howard, who will again contest the ward in 2012, was behind his retirement considerations.
“The margin back in March 2008 was a very slender 120. After 17 years in the council’s cabinet which takes up an enormous amount of time, I’ve really enjoyed being just a local ward councillor. I feel very connected with my community.
“I don’t fear an election result. I won my seat 23 years ago with just 200 votes and it’s changed many times since.”
Would there be a life for David Hinchliffe, a renowned artist and a newspaper photographer in an earlier incarnation, if he did leave local politics?
“If I decide to ‘retire’, I can assure you it would be an extremely active retirement.
“I know no other way of functioning. I am assured by those who have made the transition, there is indeed a life after politics.”

Donate food, Lord Mayor urges

NEWS

Lord Mayor Campbell Newman has announced that Brisbane residents can donate food to flood victims at their local Brisbane City Council library from Friday. The Lord Mayor said people were doing it tough at the moment after one of the city's worst natural disasters in modern history.

Cr Newman asked residents to donate any canned food they could spare to the appeal, which will run for the next month. “People need to eat and this is aimed at making life a little easier for those people struggling after having their lives turned upside down by this devastating flood,” Cr Newman said.
“Brisbane residents have already shown just how generous they can be after last weekend’s historic volunteer cleanup effort, and we’d love it if people could dig a little deeper if they can.
“If you can spare a few cans of food to help out flood victims all you have to do is drop them off at your local Council library.” Cr Newman said the initiative was being run in conjunction with grocery-charity Foodbank, who will be responsible for distributing the food.
The Lord Mayor said canned food donations could be made to Brisbane City Council libraries from Friday 21 January until Friday 18 February. He asked that people only bring canned food items, as no other items could be accepted.

For a full list of libraries and opening times, please visit www.brisbane.qld.gov.au/libraries or call (07) 3403 8888.

Stop Northern Link to pay for recovery: Labor

NEWS

Lord Mayor Campbell Newman must immediately stop the progress of the Northern Link tunnel and prioritise Brisbane’s flood recovery, says Labor Lord Mayoral Candidate Ray Smith and Council Opposition Leader Shayne Sutton.

The $1.7 billion toll tunnel is due to start construction shortly, but Mr Smith said the Lord Mayor needed to urgently reassess council’s funding priorities.
“The Lord Mayor needs to immediately call a halt to all work on Northern Link, as it leaves no headroom in the Council budget for urgent and essential flood recovery and long term flood mitigation strategies,” Mr Smith said.
“The Lord Mayor has allocated $470 million in ratepayers’ funds to the Northern Link tunnel and I believe this money should be reallocated to rebuilding our city and undertaking future flood mitigation works.
“Brisbane residents and council employees have done a incredible job so far with the flood recovery and now the Lord Mayor needs to provide them with the resources to undertake the next stage rebuilding stage.”

Co-ownership concept is coasting along well

RESIDENTIAL Property

Co-ownership of luxury coastal property is the ‘next big thing’ for Queensland, according to PRDnationwide’s Adam Gray, who is selling beach homes at Mount Coolum on the Sunshine Coast to buyers who want to holiday in style, without the full price tag.

“Most people are tightening their purse strings, but don’t want to miss out on owning the dream property at the coast, so are purchasing together,” he said. Mr Gray said it was ideal for people wanting a holiday house but who did not have the time to justify the expense of a whole property; and city workers whose dreams of owning a luxury beach home were out of financial reach.
The Kula development is due for completion in early 2011, featuring 31 private residences, with $10 Million of homes already sold. “Most people only get to use a weekender every few weeks, so why not share the cost with friends and family,” said Mr Gray.
He said four owners could secure a Kula property from $140,000 each. “In fact those buyers borrowing up to 80 per cent of the purchase price only have to invest about $30,000,” he said.
Mr Gray said like joint ownership of luxury boats – sharing a weekender was the perfect way to share the costs and the profits. “The dream of owning a luxury coast getaway has moved closer with the establishment of co-ownership agreements,” he said. Mr Gray said as well as family and friends teaming up to buy a property, the concept was also getting the attention of business owners who allow staff and their families to stay.
He also revealed that ‘property swap’ websites were booming, with beach houses like those at Kula a very attractive option for those living overseas. “It is a short stroll to the beach as well as being close to four magnificent golf courses,” he said. Mr Gray said Mount Coolum was an emerging hotspot, as it was a lot more affordable than nearby Noosa. “There is renewed buyer interest in owning a holiday home,” he said.
Whether as a destination to vacation or as an investment property to rent out – second home purchases are set to take off again. PRDnationwide research director Aaron Maskrey said Aussies are tipped to return to the holiday market, following the exodus during the financial crisis.
“The idea of having a beach shack to get away to on weekends is enormously attractive,” he said. “Due to the uncertainty and a loss of confidence in the market during 2009, many investors were forced to put their holiday homes on the market. 2011 looks to be a buyers market, a lot of people are feeling the lure of purchasing a possible bargain holiday home again.”
Developer of Kula, Ben Jobber from Turrisi Properties, said their vision was to create true beach homes in a relaxed beachside environment. “Created by four leading Queensland architects to deliver variety and an interesting streetscape, there are no other developments on the Sunshine Coast like Kula,” he said. The two and three storey modern beach homes range from $517,000 - $699,000.

• For more information visit www.kula.com.au.

Electrical safety must come first

RESIDENTIAL Property

With flood-affected homes widespread across Queensland, Master Builders is advising home owners with flood damage that electrical safety should be their first priority when returning home.

Any home owner unfortunate enough to experience flood damage will want access to their home and power restored so they can have the damage assessed and fixed quickly.
In flood situations, electrical safety is particularly relevant and home owners (as well as business owners) whose electrical distribution board has been submerged should contact their local power provider to determine the steps to be taken before power will be returned to their home or business.
Checking some plumbing fixtures may also be on the priority list, with Master Builders recommending home owners use a licensed plumber to ensure any on-site sewerage facilities and hot water units are working satisfactorily. Once the electrical and plumbing items are addressed and in working order, other repairs can commence.
Unfortunately, there are some operators within the community who will try to take advantage of those whose homes have been affected by the floods. Be on the lookout for “blow-in” contractors who are out to make a quick buck.
To minimise your chances of getting caught up with these types of contractors, ask a builder or trade contractor if they are licensed in Queensland to perform the type of work they are quoting on. Ask them to produce their Building Services Authority (BSA) licence.
Take note of their name, licence number, expiry date and class of licence. Details of their licence are available online at www.bsa.qld.gov.au, where you can also perform a licence search.

Flood victims warned over scammers

RESIDENTIAL Property


The State Government is warning residents to be on the lookout for dodgy traders following the floods. Fair Trading Minister Peter Lawlor says unscrupulous itinerant traders tended to hit areas devastated by the floods, preying on the vulnerability of victims.

“The Office of Fair Trading often receives information about itinerant traders, particularly after events such as natural disasters, who go from town to town peddling their services,” Mr Lawlor said.
“These traders offer everything from roof repairs and electrical work to resurfacing damaged driveways, but they’re not always the blessing they appear to be.
“Many are unlicensed and their work can be quite shoddy and conduct questionable. Even if the trader does offer a guarantee, it probably means nothing as they often move on quickly.
“The last thing you need at such a stressful time is to have to pay someone else to fix the job.”
Mr Lawlor said traders were usually bound by door-to-door trading rules that provided consumers with a 10-day cooling-off period, but different provisions applied to emergency repair contracts.
“Normally if a job is worth more than $75 the trader cannot begin work or accept payment in the first 10 days. This is to give people time to back out of large purchases if they change their mind after the salesman has left,” Mr Lawlor said.
“However, in the event of a natural disaster, where emergency repairs are often necessary, those rules don’t apply. While this allows homeowners to have emergency repairs completed, it also removes some protections meaning consumers must be even more vigilant.
“Before you engage anyone to perform emergency repairs around your house you should contact your insurer for information and advice,” he said.
“If you are approached by a company you don’t know, go online to check their website, call their head office, or check with someone else in town if they’ve used the trader’s services.
“Ask the trader for ID and, if the job requires building work, a Building Services Authority licence which demonstrates they are licensed to perform that work.
“You should also ask the trader for a contract and proper receipt with their name and address on it.
“If you’re not confident, do not feel pressured to take up the offer on the spot. Give yourself time to think it through, do more research, and get more quotes.
“If you do proceed with the work, make sure you check the quote carefully to avoid being overcharged.”

To report suspicious business activity to the Office of Fair Trading, visit www.fairtrading.qld.gov.au or call 13 QGOV (13 74 68). To check if a tradesman is licensed to perform the type of work you need, visit www.bsa.qld.gov.au

Railing against a pointless selloff

FROM MY CORNER .. with Ann Brunswick

Anyone who has moved around our city or other parts of our flood-hit state would know that as taxpayers we face huge repair costs for our road system alone following the summer floods.

Which means the state government will be looking for any source of moolah it can lay its hands on to foot the bill. Which now must surely make those who were opposed to the sale of QR National say: “I told you so.”
This column has previously questioned why a government would dispose of a public asset returning several hundred million dollars a year just to obtain a one-off bucket of cash. Even allowing for almost $2.5 billion in borrowings, QR National was still turning a quid each year.
Certainly, in either public or private hands, the organisation would sustain revenue losses caused by flood-related disruptions to mining activity and the damage to its own lines and other facilities. But in the long term, it would still be kicking big bucks into the public purse and helping to pay of the now inevitable borrowings the government will have to incur to foot the state’s repair bill. By the way, paying down borrowings and interest costs was one of the main reasons the government gave for flogging off QR National in the first place.

***

Speaking of the now sold-off QR National, you would think it might have been possible for the government to earmark some of the sale proceeds to build a covering for the 30 metre walkway to Central Station from the Ann and Edward streets intersection?

It’s one of the most-used entries to Central Station but has never had any cover to protect rail commuters and others since the entrance was built in the 1970s. Of course now with a flood bill to meet, such a triviality will probably fall further down the priority list.

***
It is now routine for governments including the Queensland Government, to appoint a non-government identity to head recovery efforts following natural disasters.

Readers would recall the appointment of General Peter Cosgrove following Cyclone Larry in 2006 and building industry figure John Gaskin led the special recovery taskforce following floods in the Mackay region in early 2008. A few weeks ago Premier Anna Bligh announced Major General Mick Slater would head the latest floods recovery task force after damaging inundations in regional Queensland.
To my mind it has always seemed odd that governments need to recruit outsiders for such a job. In Queensland’s case, we as taxpayers foot the bill for the fat salaries of dozens of senior emergency services and other bureaucrats. Yet when a crisis hits, an outsider must do the job.
Why do we pay the bureaucrats if they are not up to the job?

***
Many Queenslanders would have felt for Premier Anna Bligh as she choked back tears and spoke with a wavering voice at one of her many regular flood briefings for the media.

And most Queenslanders also would know that had he still been premier, Peter Beattie would have displayed similar emotion. The only difference would be that if Beattie had still had the state’s top job he would have ended his tearful remarks by saying: “If any of the cameras missed that, I can do it again.”

***
One final comment on the Premier. I heard her at one media conference at the flood’s peak lamenting the loss of the floating RiverWalk in front of New Farm. “Much loved” is how I think she described it.

Considering the ongoing hassles and maintenance costs its design caused over recent years – and the enormous amount of money that will be needed from government coffers to do all sorts of infrastructure repair work – I think we can safely say that Brisbanites will be missing their “much loved” walkway for a long, long time to come.

Charity big winner from cocky races

MY SHOUT .... with Ivor Thurston



The children’s charity Variety will again be the biggest winner on the day when the famous Story Bridge Hotel runs its 30th annual Australia Day cockroach races next Wednesday January 26.

As has been their long-term practice my good close personal friends the Deery family are donating the entrance fees for the big day – just a single coin of the golden persuasion – to a worthy charity, often involving kids. Variety has been that charity of choice of recent years and last year’s event raised $14,000 towards its excellent work.
So with all this hot weather and our streets full of post-flood rubbish and mud, it surely must be ideal breeding grounds for a big winner on the day? Is such a champion scurrying around your kitchen at the very moment, one who with the right training could bring fame, little fortune and the coveted Gold Cup home on Australia’s national day?
Training is one thing; thinking up a name that pleases the punters is another spray of Mortein entirely. Past winners on race day at the Bridge have included Drainlover, Crawline Hanson, Cocky Balboa, Ita Buttroach, Osama Bin Liner and Sir Roach-a-Lot. All went on to even greater glory, to a very satisfying career at stud or under someone’s foot, whatever came first. Gates open at 11am with a massive race program. There’s DJs, a Miss Cockie competition worth $200 to the winner, and the best stable costume competition where a group that takes a little bit of effort and imagination with their attire will win a $2000 party at the pub.
Check the website – wwwcockroachraces.com.au – for more details and to register for the various competitions that are judged by the chief steward on the day, hopefully well before the combination of a hot sun and strong drink make such deliberations too difficult.


Gigs benefit flood victims

Flood victims in regional Queensland will benefit from two special gigs at the Step Inn in the Valley over coming days.

Step Inn already had plans in place to raise funds for our northern neighhbours before the Brisbane floods hit, and Rock Mission Rockhampton from 8pm on Tuesday January 25 on the eve of the Australia Day holiday brings together the classic underground rock of Giants of Science with the future sounds of Skinny Jean & Running Guns plus rising rock indies Fushia and super solo singer extraordinaire Emma Louise (Cairns). Emma Louise’s backing band features members of The Boat People, Skinny Jean and Charlie Mayfair, and all of these acts are donating their services gratis for flood relief.
hen on Saturday January 29 Club Mission: Toowoomba kicks off from 8pm in the venue’s airc0nditioned upstairs nightclub when the heavyweights of the Brisbane Bass Culture join together for a massive night of Flood-Relieving Dubstep and a dash of drum n bass: The Dank Morass Djs, Subliminal Dubsterz/Arctic & Profesa from Dub Thugs/Praxis, Vertical Transport (Deepspace), Kim Delahaye from Jungelettes, Kosha D from Junkard Sessions & the Basscreepz Djs will all lend their weight to a solid night out for flood victims.
Entry to each event is $12, with $10 of that to be donated to the Premiers Flood Relief Appeal. Extra donations will also be accepted and recorded on the door sheet at each event.

• Tickets for both gigs at the door or from www.oztix.com.au



Temporary home of jazz

The music can never be allowed to die! So while the Brisbane Jazz Club cleans up its flood-ravaged home at Kangaroo Point, it has temporarily relocated to the Australian Legion Memorial Club at 28 Church Street, Fortitude Valley.

The upcoming program includes: this Friday 14 January – The Jenni Cocking Quintet; Saturday 15 January – Jeff Usher and the Love Supreme Super-Band. Sunday 16 January – Brass Roots Live with Craig Martin. Doors open 630pm, with show starting at 7.30pm. No bookings or EFTPOS available. For more infomation visit: www.brisbanejazzclub.com.au


ROCKING THE BLUES AT IRISH CLUB

Brisbane roots rockers Halfway and country rebel James Blundell are big-hearted performers, on and off centre stage. Both have earnt fans, and worldwide status, with celebrated live music and recordings. Both the band and Blundell have a raw, honest approach to life and loves. And music. Now the boys will appear, for the very first time on the one bill _ an afternoon of Condamine Rock ‘N Roots at Brisbane’s Irish Club this February.

Joined by emerging singer-songwriter Paul Donoughue (aka Big Strong Brute) all the lads are playing for beyondblue:the national depression initiative. Halfway’s eight-man ensemble has drawn praise from critics around the world, likened to The Jayhawks and Whiskeytown with a hint of early Stones swagger. Blundell continues to be hailed as one of the richest and most original of Australian songwriters. Condamine Rock ‘N Roots, featuring Halfway and James Blundell and introducing Big Strong Brute, plays the Irish Club, 175 Elizabeth Street, Brisbane from 1pm on Sunday, February 6, 2011.
The $25 tickets are available from www.oztix.com.au or Oztik retail outlets. A donation will be made to beyondblue: the national depression initiative following this event. The show is also a tribute to music-lover Brett McMahon who died in July 2010 and all those caring folk of the Condamine district.

Portman proves best on the globe

FILMS ... with Tim Milfull

Black Swan (MA15+)
Director: Daniel Aronofsky
Stars: Natalie Portman, Winona Ryder, Thomas Cassell
Rating: 5/5
108-minutes, now screening

Much of the gossip around the Golden Globes and Academy Awards this year has centred on Natalie Portman’s astonishing performance in Daniel Aronofsky’s film Black Swan.

So her win at the Golden Globes at the weekend came as no surprise, as she seems to go above and beyond in her portrayal of an obsessive ballerina. She plays Nina Sayers, a relative veteran of the New York Ballet Company.
For the last four years, Nina has played a supporting role in the shadow of principal ballerina Beth Macintyre (Winona Ryder), but the company’s director Thomas (Vincent Cassell) has recently decided to shake things up and retire Beth, plunging Nina into the spotlight as one of the contenders for the principal position. Her chief rival is Lily (Mila Kunis), a rebellious tearaway, whose unconventional stylings are attractive to Thomas.
In his eyes, Nina’s perfect dancing is ideal for the White Swan, but the principal ballerina must also be able to take on the role of the Black Swan, which is much more complicated – perfect technique simply isn’t enough to maintain both roles; there has to be some wildness as well.
As Nina struggles to find the wildness in her own dancing, forces in and beyond her control conspire to terrorise her. At home, Nina’s oppressive mother, Erica (Barbara Hershey) is desperate to influence every aspect of her daughter’s life; at work, Thomas uses dubious techniques to unlock Nina’s passion; and in the few precious moments outside work and home, Lily has her own designs on Nina.
Black Swan is an extraordinary film, with complex choreography and camera work, a wondrous, discordant soundtrack fashioned around Tchaikovsky’s original ballet, striking visual effects, and outstanding performances – a masterpiece.


THE BINGE



Eclectic mix from Hopscotch

Four Lions (M) now available through Hopscotch
The Kids are All Right (MA15+) now available through Hopscotch
The Thick of It (Season 3) (R) now available through Roadshow
GoMA: A New Tomorrow: Visions of the Future in Cinema Screening until 27th February

Two very different films have been released recently on DVD by Hopscotch. Four Lions (pictured above), which had an impressive run in Brisbane theatres in 2010, is about four young London-based Muslims who decide to embark on their own version of jihad by blowing themselves up while running the London Marathon.

While the theme of this film sounds overwhelmingly sober, Four Lions is surprisingly funny, heartwarming, and ultimately tragic. The Kids are All Right features Julianne Moore and Annette Bening as lesbians Jules and Nic who are raising two teenage children. Joni (Mia Wasikowska) and Laser (Josh Hutcherson) decide to bring their birth father Paul (Mark Ruffalo) into the family, and what was already been a tumultuous household is plunged further into chaos.
Lovers of political satire such as Yes, Minister and The Hollow Men will be pleased to know that season three of the BBC comedy The Thick of It is now available. All of the regulars are present again in this foul-mouthed and very funny vision of British politics: Chris Addison’s youthful senior advisor, Ollie; the elderly mandarin, Glenn (James Smith); the incompetent publicist, Terri (Joanna Scanlon); and the Labour spin guru, Malcolm (Peter Capaldi), who can only speak in the most disgusting expletives.
Finally, lovers of science fiction should head along to the Australian Cinematheque’s latest program, A New Tomorrow: Visions of the Future in Cinema which presents a fantastic range of science fiction between now and February, from Fritz Lang’s restored print of Metropolis and Daniel Aronofsky’s The Fountain, to a number of Stanley Kubrick’s classics including A Clockwork Orange and 2001: A Space Odyssey, and other audience favourites.
Capped off with a live performance by Zan Lyons that remixes and reworks the genius of Bladerunner, this is the first of three innovative cinema programmes on offer between now and April.

For more information about a wide range of live performance, programmes and other exhibits at GoMA’s 21st Century: Art in the First Decade, visit www.qag.qld.gov.au/21stcentury



Win FREE tickets to Another Year


Courtesy of Icon film distributors , we have 10 double passes to give away to Mike Leigh’s critically acclaimed English character study Another Year. Starring Jim Broadbent, Lesley Manville and Ruth Sheen, Another Year screens from next Wednesday January 26. To be in the running for a double pass, email us with the words “Another Year” in the message field to editor@theindependent.com.au by 5pm next Wednesday January 26. Include a mailing address.
Winners will be selected randomly and only they will be notified before the double passes are mailed out. But be warned: this is a slow-moving, closeup look at British suburban life. If you’re into car chases, gun battles or soppy Yank rom-coms, ignore this one.
But it should delight those who cherish wry observations on the seemingly every-day lives of some London folk over four constantly changing seasons.

Neglected grapes grab some limelight

WINE ... with David Bray

Australian winemakers, long-established and relatively newly arrived, are producing interesting wines from grapes that over the years have tended to be rather neglected.

Blends or single variety, there are some good stories here. Among them: Luna Rosa, from Cumulus Estate who apparently asked consultants for help to “launch an innovative rosé wine into Australia... to create a name, a brand story and identity that is a stand-alone contemporary brand leveraging classic Portuguese visual and stylistic cues’’.
They reckon the result is “a magical combination of Portuguese-style and cool-climate Australian fruit. The grapes involved are cabernet 40 per cent, grenache and mourverdre 20 per cent each with “a touch of Orange chardonnay”.
Cumulus tells us that winemakers Australian Debbie Lauritz and Portugal’s Francisco Artune have produced a fragrant wine from a blend of traditional Mediterranean varieties: “With grapes picked by the light of the moon (to retain their freshness), Luna Rosa is a finely drawn rosé wine with crisp, silken fruit and an alluring touch of sweetness.
“The inspiration for Luna Rosa (below)reaches to the heart of our company, which is part-owned by and has binding influences with the Berardo family of Portugal.” It’s an interesting wine, great as an aperitif or with a selection of light tapas style or Asian cuisines.
Light in alcohol at 10.5 per cent. Around $12.
Cirillo 1850 rose (above) comes from Australia’s oldest vines. It has been written this wine is made from some of the higher-yielding old grenache vines (1850 plantings) in a fabulous Barossa vineyard, a national treasure said to be one of the oldest grenache vineyards in the world. Proprietor/winemaker Marco Cirillo puts enormous effort and care into pruning and nurturing the 150-year-old vines.
These wondrous veterans were first planted in the Cirillo family vineyard at Light Pass in 1850 and produce a subtle and beguiling grenache that's been commended as "one of the finest this country has ever produced".
Some of the juice goes to Torbreck, of whom serious and seriously well-off wine lovers will be well aware, and some apparently is bled off for the rose, which is a delicious version of this style and one that, perhaps not typically, will cellar profitably, should you have the patience. Around $23.
Pfeiffer 2010 gamay is the Rutherglen winery’s and maker Jen Pfeiffer’s version of Beaujolais. She worked the 2005 Vintage with the Saint-Charles family, owners of Chateau du Bluizard, at Saint Etienne la Varenne.
The Saint Charles family has a long winemaking history, dating back to the early 1600s. Pfeiffer Wines has been one of the benchmark Australian makers of gamay since 1985. Here is Jen’s story: “I have become more and more passionate about gamay since working in Beaujolais, and see the wine style as the perfect drop for the beautiful, natural setting we have at our winery.
“I’m absolutely thrilled with the 2010 gamay – the colour, the nose, the palate; it’s all where I want it. Everything just worked in 2010. “We have two parcels of gamay: the old vines (about 40 years) and the young vines (about 20 years), both planted on the sandy soils of our Sunday Creek Vineyard. The Old Vine Gamay crops at around one tonne / acre and thus produces grapes full of flavour and with good weight – we get dark cherry, earthy and even plum-like flavours from the gnarly old vines. The Young Vine gamay crops a bit higher, around three tonne / acre, and delivers a lighter, more fragrant and more acidic wine, with strawberry and raspberry flavours.
“We make both parcels in the same way, hand-picking into sealable half tonne bins, keeping all stalks in. I add CO2 and a small quantity of yeast, then seal up the bins, ensuring no air can get in.
“I leave the grapes fermenting in this very carbonic environment for about 10 days, during which time the ferment will be about 1/3 to 1/2 complete.
“Then the fun starts. With a ring around of a few mates (and the promise of some cold beers), all the cellar staff and my friends jump in the bins and begin foot treading, or “pigeage” as they called it in Beaujolais. At this stage, acid and more yeast is added. “I leave the grapes with full stalks and let the fermentation finish in the bins, foot treading three times a day. “Once the cap starts to drop, I then press the wine into stainless steel.
“The Pfeiffer gamay receives no oak. Instead I choose to make a fresh, fruit-driven style, with enough complexity to make it interesting. I stabilise the wine and generally try to have it bottled by the end of April, beginning of May. I think this locks in the freshness of the fruit flavour, while also giving the tannin in the wine (and there is some...) to settle down in time for its release the weekend before the Melbourne Cup.
“The gamay is fun to make. It’s great to drink.’’
Quite so. $18.

Star signs .... with Horace Cope

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
You have this sneaky feeling that before too much longer, the names of some of our property insurers around town are going to be, er, well ... mud!

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
You start a website offering odds on when Brisbane’s much-loved floating riverwalk will be rebuilt, and you are quite relaxed about offering 100 to 1 for any year this decade.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
Your reputation as a lucky person is enhanced following your decision two weeks ago to buy a sizable share portfolio in the Acme Broom, Mop and Shovel Company of Australasia Pty Ltd.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
After listening to how the structure was universally described by the media during the coverage of the floods and the threat debris posed to it, you suspect the easiest way out might be for good old Sir Leo Hielscher to change his name by deed poll to Sir Gateway Bridge.

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
With three of the four TV channels devoting all their air time to the ongoing Brisbane flood emergency, you wonder if this is what is meant by the industry term “saturation coverage”.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
Adopting methods used to measure water storage capacity in Queensland dams, you try to explain to your boss that a 44 per cent office attendance rate over recent weeks does in fact represent 100 per cent in real terms, and if in fact you had come in more than that, your attendance would have been at 145 per cent at the very least and he would have had to pay you much, much more.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
While some might condemn their stance, thank God for Channel 10’s decision to at least give us a choice between watching the unfolding tragedy and normal silly-season lifestyle and reality TV programs.

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
You only heard this second hand, mind, but Premier Anna Bligh was apparently heard in church last Sunday praying aloud that the La Nina effect would last until at least the next state election.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
Across the pews Opposition Leader John-Paul Langbroek was doing much the same thing, except his exaltations were to the almighty god El Nino.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23) You never realised the extent of panic buying at the height of the floods until you went past a new-car showroom last Thursday and saw dozens of people looking over the new Ford Falcon.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
You are still highly emotional after witnessing the dozens of selfless volunteers who poured into your house last weekend and worked feverishly to put all your household belongings on a pile out on the street – especially as you live in high-and-dry Carina Heights.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
You gave all the pollies tops marks for listening politely and silently as George Negus interviewed himself for the Channel 10 news at the height of the floods and he explained at length and with enormous gravitas what he, in his humble opinion, believed they needed to do.