OVERSEAS Travails
First pubished in The Independent 28 May 2008
Man, oh man are Americans sick. They must be the sickest people on earth, and I wonder if it all stems from the fact that they are so, so fat! Did I mention how fat they were in a previous column?
One TV ad weighs in with the grim statistic nightly: yes, some 130 million Americans are obese. They’re the lucky ones. There’s another 50 million who are chronically obese, about that same number again who are morbidly obese, and a further 23 million who are awaiting burial once they build coffins large enough to accommodate them.
Doubt any of this? Probably the very first ad I saw on TV over here was for this great people mover that average incapacitated Americans can ride on so that they don’t get left out when their kinfolk are out and about ... on their way to a diner, restaurant or fast-food outlet, that sort of thing. This ad went on for minutes - from memory it was touting the deluxe 10-geared LardLoader Mark V, that can zoom around lunar-style landscapes with amazing ease.
As with all TV ads, the actor-riders of these LardLoaders don’t seem at all that old or all that incapacitated but we can read between the lines and know they’re for average Americans who have unfortunately become incapacitated to some extent: like when their knee caps and joints first popped out or fused together when they hit 300lb, somewhere in their early 30s.
Anyway, these LardLoaders are very reasonably priced and you can write away for a free video or CD at no cost or obligation whosoever. I’m told most Americans end up buying two: one for each cheek.
Cheap shot, and I’m sorry. But back to the TV ads. Every commercial break here had about 10 ads, and just like in Australia, you can watch a whole night’s TV and not be told about one single product you could not live without – unless of course you’re sick of, or from, being fat.
These ads all burr into one another: there’s the latest treatments for heart disease, stroke, diabetes A to Zee, organ failure, arthritis, mad cowboys’ disease, etc, etc
These are all very funny advertisements and beat the heck out of Two and a Half Men reruns. Why funny? Because, you see, after touting what new RectalEX can do for your clapped-out sphincter, these ads then have to spend about the same amount of time telling you what the possible side effects are in such a litigious society. After taking new Asthmatrall, please consult your physician if permanent non-breathing persists!
Think I’m making these up? There is this new asthma treatment that’s a real winner, but shouldn’t be used if you’re already on an asthma treatment. Well, gosh, what asthmatic’s got time to be trying sprays and pills when you’re out an about training for marathons. Anyway, one of the side effects of this new treatment is sudden death from asthma. Well of course it would be! Hellooooo! There’s some other treatment that you shouldn’t take if you’re in the advanced, final stages of AIDs. Would you want to?
There’s other treatments that can leave you dizzy, with high blood pressure, that can lead to dysentry, diarrohea and death, although not necessarily in that order, others than turn you into a serial killer or have you driving around the neighbourhood late at night nude and fully asleep at the wheel, singing a medley of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s show tunes. See your doctor if “Oklahoma!” persists.
Then there’s the ad for the bloke who’s not quite ready for a LardLoader Mark V. He wants to go riding with his family as they make their way to a diner, restaurant or fast-food outlet, that sort of thing, but as soon as he sits on his bike seat: Whammo! Oucharonnie!
Well, we don’t need to be told he’s blown a gasket in his muckhole manifold after it’s tried to pass a mountain of meatloaf over the years. But help is at hand, and luckily it’s his hand and not ours..
Before he sets out, he applies Medication H preparation wipes. And who wouldn’t!
Trust me on this one: we might be a little behind in Australia, but I think these things are really going to catch on. I’m predicting Medication H preparation wipes are going to be the next real big thing Down Under, if you get my drift.
But you know what I think the funniest thing is? Those morons who brought down the twin towers thinking they could end American society were way, way off course.
All they needed to do was to join forces with our very own evil genius Peter Foster, and contaminate this great country’s water supplies with Pete’s sure-fire, can’t-miss super TRIMIt diet pills. Before you know it, Americans would be slim and happy but their whole reason d’etre would disappear.
The nation’s commercial broadcast services would close first because there would be no ads to run, and how could this nation function if it couldn’t get a balanced view of local and world politics via Fox news? Then the whole national economy, which seems to be based almost solely on keeping sick, fat Americans alive, would crumble and decay.
Mission accomplished with not one angry shot being fired; not one innocent person hurt.
